Isn’t that the way all these stories begin? What year isn’t some combination of best and worst?

2011 was stressful and trying and I played The Mountain Goats’ “This Year” (I’m gonna make it through this year if it kills me) way too many times in a meaningful way. 

But I don’t want to rehash that stuff, especially since a lot of it came toward the end of the year and the wounds are still bleeding a bit. 

There were good things. Very good things. I (mostly) took control of my anxiety. I figured out what and who were adding extra weight to my depression and anxiety and I took steps to get rid of them. I started doing things for me. I realized the things I didn’t like about myself were things I had control over. I started exercising at home. Then I joined the gym at work. Then I started running. I changed my eating habits. I lost 40 lbs (and counting). I started to feel better mentally and physically. 

I went to hang out with my friends in Chicago and got stuck there an extra day then had to drive home to NY thanks to the hurricane whose name I already forgot. That adventure of a ride home with Lisa and Giselle was one of the highlights of my summer. I ate the best meal of my life at Bouchon in Napa Valley. I sipped espresso at 4am at an outdoor cafe in Barcelona. I spent part of Christmas morning running into the Northern California sunrise. 

I am fortunate and I am grateful for the fortune I have. There have been times this year when I’ve wondered if I deserve the good things that are mine. There have been moments of deep self doubt and further self discovery. I have had to rethink my priorities and values and take a step back from myself to see what I was doing wrong. I’ve had to admit I’ve been wrong. I have been humbled. I had to strive to make changes that were hard but necessary. 

Through it all, I have been loved. I have been loved by friends and loved by family. I am grateful for those who have held my hand when I needed it and pushed me forward when I needed that. I am grateful for everyone who has been there to help me, prod me, push me, encourage me and be perfectly honest with me when I didn’t want to hear it. 

I am loved by someone who has probably put up with more than most partners would stand. 2011 was not an easy year and yet here we are at the end of it and he is still here. Sometimes that surprises me. And while we are spending New Year’s Eve apart (he’s on a business trip, I’m on the couch with the dog and ice cream for company), we are together and for all of the things 2011 was, both wonderful and awful, the fact that we made it through this year before it killed us is something worth celebrating. 

2012 will be better because I will be better. We will be better. We’ll all be better. I still have so much to learn; about myself, about life, about love, about being good to myself while still being good to everyone who deserves it and about not giving of myself and my time to those who don’t deserve it. It doesn’t matter that I will be 50 years old in 2012. You never stop learning about yourself. You never stop trying to be better at everything. Trust me on that one, ok? Nothing good comes of not wanting to learn and improve all the time.

Apropos of all this and with an unnerving timing, Mike Monteiro posted a new piece of art tonight that says “I will float until I learn how to swim.”

2012: The year of floating until I swim. 

Happy New Year to you, my friends. I’m sorry that I only drop in here on holidays now but I’ll be back some day. After I learn how to swim.