Life is full of failure and misery. Get over it.

You are not going to be the next great artist or writer. You are never going to be on Oprah. You will not become an overnight success, an instant millionaire or an Oscar winning actor. You will know more failures than successes. Life will eat you up and spit you out on the sidewalk.

You will marry someone you despise at times and have kids you regret at times. Your wallet will be empty and often you will feel your life is empty as well. You will drink a lot and smoke a lot and some day you will be wearing polyester pants and devouring meatloaf at the local all-you-can-eat-buffet, bought for $5 with your senior citizen discount card.

You will never sleep with a super model or marry a NBA star. You will have relationships with people that suck the will to live right from your heart. You will be yelled at by your bosses and stabbed in the back by your coworkers.

Every television show you love will be cancelled, all your favorite bands will break up and your favorite sports team will choke. The local Starbucks will close down but coffee will have become a luxury, anyhow. You’ll drink a lot. You’ll stop shopping at Whole Foods or Trader Joe’s and find yourself eating a dollar hamburger from Wendy’s for lunch every day so you can save the extra money for therapy.

Your friends will leave you. They will fall in love and forget about you. They will move to different states and they’ll say they will keep in touch but they won’t. You will spend this summer getting wasted and making pacts with your friends to be together forever but this is it. There will be a feel good hit of this summer that will make you wince with melancholy every single time you hear it in your adult life. Enjoy the fuck out of this time. It’s the last time you’ll feel free. 

But there will pie. There will always be pie. And you will eat it and you will feel better and for a few minutes life will not suck quite as hard as you thought it would. Your pie may not look like a pie. It may come in the form of a good book, a best friend, a vial of crack or a strap-on and a leather thong. Find your pie. Indulge in it. Get your rocks off when and how you can kids, because life is out there waiting for you and it’s going to grab you by the balls and squeeze until you scream.

But hey, have fun out there. And eat more pie.